So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
