Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
