he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
