The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
