got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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