I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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