Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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