be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
