Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
