Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
