Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
