Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
