I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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