ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
please come you make the beer taste better
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I think i got beer on your cat.
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