It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
We were destined to go to rehab together
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
