Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Randomize
