..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Randomize
