Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
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Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
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Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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