Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
