what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
