I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
