I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
