Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
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In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
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I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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