Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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