So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
