Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
