i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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