I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
