I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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