mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
