apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Of course I have a pirate flag
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
