So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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