I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
