he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
