You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
We have so much sex to catch up on
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
