if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
