come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Actions speak louder than pants.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
