So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
