So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
