We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
