my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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