even my farts smell like vagina
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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