I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
