I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Just high enough for therapy.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
