just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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