i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
