If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
