I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
