Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
