it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
