Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
