either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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