I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
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