Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
