He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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